Courage, Connection and Compassion

“There is nothing like feeling terrified and doing something anyway.”  This was said about a decision to go skydiving by someone who is not only scared of heights but of everything. This decision to jump out of a plane sums up all that is going on in her life. After hearing this, I could not stop thinking about its significance to all of life. I recently reread Brene’ Brown’s The Gifts of Imperfection. She says, “you learn to courage by couraging” and I thought, Boy, ain’t that the truth. Courage is something that could never be cultivated without doing the things we are scared of. One of the reasons I love what I do is that I get to experience people’s courage vicariously, and it also helps me be brave.

According to Merriam-Webster, courage is the “mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty.”  It seems like life is full of opportunities to practice courage. Developing real strategies to change one’s life is one of them. I often notice people asking for tools in therapy when they are feeling frustrated or helpless. Recently, someone wanted “tools to address codependency.”  I found myself thinking about how much I dislike this term that pathologizes connection and love and blames caregivers for their desire to help. A client turned me on to the term prodependence born from Robert Weiss’s book, Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency.  Prodependence celebrates people for their efforts to support their loved ones and meets them where they are. Prodependence allows a shift in perspective. Women are the givers of life. Of course we can become overly invested in the lives of those we love.  Shifting one’s perspective is the tool to create change.

It is difficult to change our perspective in isolation, and where connection is present, courage is alive. I see it constantly when people are brave enough to be vulnerable. Vulnerability can be the ultimate act of courage, especially when you have only known mistrust, pain, and betrayal. Each year, I choose a word; something I want to cultivate. I do this instead of having a New Year’s resolution. This year, my word is connection. As a result, I have cultivated connections, old and new alike, on a level I never even knew I wanted or needed. Because of this, my perspective on life has significantly changed.

If connection fosters courage, then compassion is the glue that holds them together, and there can be no real compassion toward others without compassion toward oneself.  Self- compassion is the practice of meeting your inner experience, especially your suffering with care rather than criticism. To do this, we have to first notice and then get to know our inner critic. What kinds of things does yours say that prevents you from making connections or being courageous?  Do you ever catch yourself saying things such as “get it together dummy” or even worse?  I experienced a shift in perspective after a friend interrupted my inner critic once by saying, “do not talk to my friend that way.”  Begin to notice what yours says and check back here to learn more.